The notion that our kids benefit from positive role models is parent and educator canon. We encourage kids to write grade school reports about inspiring humans who changed the world for the better; whole lines of commerce, like the Who Was series of books, exist to introduce our children to everyone from Martin Luther King Jr. to Sonia Sotomayor. The underlying idea being that if we expose young, developing minds to people of high character, they too will understand what it means to be good in the world.
While we’re actively pushing these paragons in front of our children, kids are also passively absorbing other examples of how to navigate the world. And that’s what we’re here to talk about today: social learning theory.
Social learning theory was a term coined by psychologist Albert Bandura in the 1960s. He did a series of experiments where children were shown footage of adults behaving violently to a doll, and found that children who saw that footage were more likely to behave aggressively toward the doll themselves. Prior to Bandura’s work, the going theory was classical conditioning, which posited that humans could be compelled to do things if we understood there to be some reward or other positive reinforcement for our behavior. Bandura said, no no, a reward isn’t necessarily needed. We might just do something because we admire the person we saw doing it, or if we think a type of behavior is the norm.
Vox’s Brian Resnick wrote a piece about social learning theory back in 2017. In it, he explored the concern that then-President Donald Trump’s openly hostile anti-immigrant rhetoric was giving many in the alt-right the okay to be more openly hostile and prejudicial themselves. As Brian summed it up: “Exposure to misbehavior simply makes it more acceptable.” Seeing those in positions of power act aggressively toward others or even vocalize hate speech gives tacit approval for their followers to do the same, so a president who espouses anti-immigrant sentiments might lead to increased anti-immigrant violence. Social learning theory. Boom.
Our kids, too, are like sponges. They swim in a sea of stimuli: politicians and other boldface names who normalize bad behavior, average Americans who storm the seat of government, over-the-top exposure to violence from video games, school shooters who capture media attention, the normalization of commercial porn standards of sex, and the often utterly anarchic world of social media and message boards where, as psychologist Andrea Bonior told me, we should assume they are being soft-recruited by extremist groups.
All of these stimuli are, like it or not, modeling a new kind of normal for our kids.
“Everything has really intensified in terms of just how many models there are out there for kids to absorb,” Bonior put it. “It's not just, ‘Let's do what our peers do,’ ‘Let's do what our parents do,’ ‘Let's do what our teachers do.’ It’s, ‘Let’s do what that guy on TikTok did,’ ‘Let's believe what this person on Instagram is telling me to believe.’”
These people are considered influencers, but at a certain point, we have to ask ourselves how much influence they have, or should have, on our kids. To use a well-worn example, you need only look at how a meme like the cinnamon challenge caught fire online and killed kids to understand how quick, and how potent, social learning theory is in the internet age. A more recent example is Meta’s research into the negative effects of Instagram on teen girls and their forming ideals of body image.
Although Albert Bandura never had to contend with seeing his theory tested by the heightened, sped-up timeline of the internet age, many of the tactics developed to counteract social learning theory still apply, according to Bonior. She shared some points I can post here:
Recognize warning signs: Be attuned to change of any sort in your kids. Is a formerly extroverted kid suddenly isolating? Has your kid’s appetite become much bigger or smaller? Is your formerly mostly happy-go-lucky kid now sad or sullen? Is there a loss of interest in sports or other activities? All of those can be warning signs of conditions we should be watching out for: depression, anxiety, substance abuse.
Understand isolation is an effect, but also a cause: A kid may be isolating because of an acute trauma or, you know, living through a multi-year worldwide pandemic. But the more isolated your kid becomes, the more susceptible they can be to stimuli over which you have no control and little insight into. From incels to Proud Boys, most recruiting happens online and kids who are looking for a sense of belonging are going to be vulnerable to these groups.
Talk about what they’re seeing: It's important to discuss with kids what they are consuming and experiencing, especially when those things are upsetting. “When a kid has witnessed something that is indelibly imprinted in them, we have to be able to acknowledge that that can send them down a negative path," says Bonior.
Don’t judge: Often when we hear something distressing, our first instinct is to lash out and tell our kids they did something wrong. I am guilty of giving Desmond grief when he’s told me he visited a site online he was explicitly forbidden to see. But the right move is to create a safe environment for your child to express their feelings. Bonior’s suggested script: “I'm really interested in hearing what you have to say, and it's going to be safe for you to tell me. If you've done something that you're not supposed to do, we're going to possibly have consequences. But I'm not going to explode.”
Be curious together: Part of that safe environment is also about giving your child a sense that you’re in this together and that there's a lot both of you can learn. Tweens and teens likely know more about the online world than adults do at this point, so entering a conversation about what they witnessed with your own humility intact is key to modeling vulnerability and a willingness to learn.
Model ethical and moral behavior: Yep, we’re back to the Who Was books and making sure our kids are exposed to people like Dr. King and Greta Thunberg, but also to us at our best, or to family members or friends who we think are pretty great. The negative stimuli aren’t going away. One of the most effective things we can do to counteract their influence is to provide alternative stimuli: good examples, positive models.
How do you expose your tweens and teens to positive models? Let me know, and your answer may be featured in an upcoming newsletter. Send your thoughts to liz@vox.com.
—Liz Kelly Nelson
